Relationships and the Level of Jealousy

As I sat on the train yesterday on my way to Brighton, a story in the Evening Standard caught my attention besides the breakthrough in the health care plan in the US and the proposal to increase tuition at university. The story was about a wealthy city banker who killed his wife and was being asked by the court to pay the cost of prosecution. I then thought to myself: how jealous are we allowed to get in relationships? Was this man's jealousy extreme? If so, what is the level of jealousy one should expect and/or give in a relationship? Perhaps, a summary of the story should help.

The city banker found out his wife was cheating on him. He had recorded conversations between his wife and his wife's lover. A divorce was pending and he wanted to make sure the wife didn't get away with much so he hid most of his assets outside the jurisdiction of the courts. Why would he do this when his wife was equally rich? In fact, she was also a banker in the city. But that was not the source of her wealth. She inherited a wealthy legacy from her father. She was richer than her husband so why would he want to keep his assets from her? For starters, he was estimated to be worth over £800,000, he was earning at least £300,000 and his equity share in their home was worth at least £600,000. Also, in one of the recorded conversations, the wife told her lover that the divorce would be over soon and her husband would be responsible for the mortgage, child support and maintenance which will be 20% of his income. The husband was acquitted on the murder charge but convicted on the manslaughter charge because he did not intend to kill his wife. It then followed that he had to pay the prosecution costs of at least £300,000.

So was this banker's jealousy level justified? He went behind his wife's back and recorded conversations between his wife and his wife's lawyers. I know many girls or guys who would view that as a serious invasion of privacy. But would he had known what he knew if he didn't do that? There was a time when it was attractive for guys to be jealous when other guys were simply smiling at their women or their women passing comments about how handsome another guy looked. But with this, I think the banker took it too far when he strangled his wife during the argument. This could be a one a million case scenario. How about a couple scenarios?

First scenario: there is a couple who are so much in love. They've been through a lot to make sure their relationship works and it has so far because of the very strong foundation of trust they managed to build between them. However, the guy gets all worked up over the littlest things like when another guy calls his girlfriend at very odd hours and they talk for a long time. And in a tone the guy doesn't appreciate. He also gets worked up when she stays online talking to all these other guys and they say suggestive things to her. Because of the level of trust between them, his girlfriend always assures him not to worry because all the late night conversations, whether on telephone or internet, mean nothing. My question is: is it alright for the guy to get worked up and/or even jealous? Now imagine the girl begins to like another guy at her school/workplace and because of the trust between her boyfriend and her, she tells him about this guy she likes. Now is it alright for the boyfriend to get worked up and/or jealous?

Second scenario: there are three people involved. There is a couple who like each other a lot. The girl then likes this other guy. The first guy knows about the second guy and the fact that the girl he likes very much also likes the second guy. That is the level of honesty in this relationship. In fact it goes beyond that because anytime the girl visits the second guy he tells the first guy about the visit. Now should the first guy be jealous even though he knows all this about the second guy? Let's add a little twist to this scenario. Assuming the girl visited the second guy over the weekend and spent the night there. As always, prior to going there, she told the first guy about it and he didn't seem to have a problem. He then got curious a couple of days later and asked the girl about the weekend. In her defence, she accused the first guy of not trusting her. Again, I ask was the first guy being jealous when he asked questions about the weekend and if so, was he justified in doing so?

Like I always say, I am no relationship expert but to make a relationship work, both parties have to be willing to work very hard at it by making several sacrifices. I don't think jealousy should be absolutely kicked out of relationships. On the contrary, I think it is necessary for jealousy to exist in a relationship because it is only when your partner gets jealous, that you realise how important you are to him or her. What we can do to ensure that jealousy does not end up like the story I read in the Evening Standard is to make sure that we reassure our partners of our genuine commitment to them in every way possible. For instance in the first scenario, we can reassure our partners by limiting the conversations particularly at those odd times; severing the attraction to the other guy/girl by informing them of the inappropriateness of their comments and actions; and reminding them of your genuine commitment to your partner. Similarly, in the second scenario, we can reassure our partners of our genuine commitment to them by severing the attraction to the other guy/girl and ending the visitations to their place.

Love is one mystery of life I believe in and it should not be taken for granted if you're lucky to experience it.