"Please don't leave me", "I don't want to be with you", "but I love you" were the words that woke me up this morning. No, I didn't leave the television on when I went to bed and no, I wasn't having a bad dream that she was leaving me. Those were the words I heard above shouts and screams around 10:30am from my third floor window. I hurried to the window to catch a bit of the action, only to find a white couple hugging under a tree. Had they made up already? I doubted it. For a split second I thought a movie was being shot beneath my window so I quickly made sure there was no way the inside of my room could be seen knowing full well that I was only in tight boxer briefs and God knows I wouldn't want my business out like that.
I watched this couple for a little longer and in fact, that was all I needed to figure out why they were staging this wonderful romantic drama beneath my window to purposely wake me up. Lol, I do feel that important. The shouts and screams started again and this time the man added, "I'm going to call that man". "I didn't mean to do it", the woman said. That was all I needed folks. The woman had slept with a man and her boyfriend/fiancé/husband had found out and was leaving her. And she was crying after him beseeching him not to leave her for she loved him. How Shakespeare would have loved to witness this act. Or perhaps one of the movie directors in Hollywood or Nollywood and not Bollywood for we all know how their romance ends like – singing and dancing.
I think the man managed to get the other man on the phone and words were exchanged but I couldn't care any less. I just shut my windows, hopped back into bed and tried to crawl to sleep under the covers. Oh what a perfect way to start my day after a 5 hour sleep. I began to wonder whether this was worth blogging about because after yesterday's post, I had come up with other topics I intended to share with my readers. It got me thinking and my thoughts ventured – without a map and/or compass – into the realm of "cheating in relationships". A topic I'm sure everyone has thought about and talked about so I would expect the opinions and comments to flow like water.
When I ask many girls what they would do if their partners kissed or slept with someone else, they reply "I will leave him". And then I ask, but why, to which they reply "because he was cheating on me or he cheated on me". But did he really? I mean if at the end of the day he came back to you and decided you were the one he loved before he had the affair or he was a victim of circumstances, will that be cheating? Let it be clear that I am no relationship expert. So I looked up the word cheat and came up with two relevant definitions: to deceive someone and to be unfaithful i.e. to have a sexual relationship with somebody other than a spouse or regular sexual partner.
Let's try and break this down. I fail to see how having an affair is deceiving your partner. I guess it could be if they asked and you lied about it. But then again, what are you deceiving them about? The fact that you love them or the fact that you're having something to do with someone else? Call me old school but I am of the traditional view that relationships are based on love. So then if love is the basis of your relationship, how is it deception when your partner tells you they love you and they really do? I am sure you'll respond by saying if they love you, they wouldn't do what they did. Really? Love's based on that?
The second definition which speaks of having a sexual relationship with somebody other than a spouse or regular sexual partner is the reason most people tend to give. Again, call me old school but I am of the traditional view that relationships are based on love. If this definition had said having a relationship with another person other than your spouse, I would readily agree that that is cheating because of love as a basis for relationships. You can't fully love two people at the same time. There is the argument of loving two people at once – that is cheating too. But in this case, it doesn't say the basis of the relationship is love. The relationship outside the one with their spouse or sexual partner is a sexual relationship. Emphasis on sexual. That is all it is – sex. If that is what it is, how is that cheating?
The couple under tree made amends, I am sure, because even amidst the shouts and screams, they were hugging under a tree when I first saw them. Would I get back together with a girl who had an affair and I found out? Sure! Why not? As long as I am the one she's in love with and not the person she had the affair with. I've done so in the past so why wouldn't I? How about this, if it happened once and they told you about it before you found out, would you still leave? One thing I will agree to without hesitation is that the trust underlying the relationship will be deeply affected. It will be up to the defaulting partner to try and raise it back beyond the pre-existing level. This is when the non-defaulting partner may decide to take advantage of the situation. But if you really love each other you will work at it and it will only make your relationship stronger.
I feel it necessary and convenient to leave a disclaimer. Lol. If anyone who reads this hooks up with me and thinks because of what I said they can enjoy a non exclusive relationship solely on their part, don't be misled for I shall leave your ass quicker than passengers at a train station fleeing a bomb scare.
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no one needs to tell you what it means to cheat or not to cheat. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, i believe whatever you wouldn't want done to you, shouldn't be done to your partner. So if you dont' want your partner calling her "friends" at 2 in the morning, then don't do that either...or hugging exes ... don't do that either...I give you the same measure of responsibility that I will expect.
ReplyDeleteMutual respect and mutual responsibility...I totally agree..thanks
ReplyDeleteRelationships is not for the weak.
ReplyDeleteHaving a relationship with someone I personally
think is making a covenant with that person ie
I am going to love you and only you and no one else. If I break the covenant and she decides to
leave me so be it. That is the consequences of
breaking a covenant.
You can also argue, what is it that we want in a relationship? People enter relationship for casual reasons, others enter relationships with an intention of marrying their partner. I personally will not condone relationship for casual reasons because its a waste of time. The latter is the way forward and there will be no room for kissing, or having sexual relation with 3rd party in this kind of relationships.
More importantly I like to think that my body is the Temple of the Most High and as such whatever I do in a relationship must and should always be acceptable to my Father the Most High God
JSuperman
Amen! Preach!
ReplyDeleteI think u said whatever needs to be said on cheating. Treat your neighbor as u want to be treated. In relation to cheating + relationships I think both partners need 2 sit down n talk about what standards they expect of each other. At this point if you think you cant take it please start walking or stay n suffer the consequences.And if you decide to come back please come back with a better attitude than what u left with.
ReplyDeleteyours truly
libbizzle.
Libizzle on the comment thing! Start walking paaaa! Lol. Hear this or better still, read this: a couple of years ago ore slightly more, a friend of mine was in a very envious relationship based on love. The way they loved each other and the way they went about showing their love for each other was just beautiful. And then they both went on holiday in Ghana. My friend returns to London without the girl. The girl then hooks up with her ex in Ghana. It turned out that she was already do something with the ex whilst she was in London. And the ex was in London too. It drove my friend to tears. A grown ass man. Do you know how it is to see a grown ass man sitting in your study room crying like a baby? Now what his ex did is what I would call cheating.
ReplyDeletelol@I shall leave your ass quicker than passengers at a train station fleeing a bomb scare
ReplyDeleteI think every relationship should be based on trust. However I admit that we are all humans and are subject to errors...cheating being one of them....That being said, if a guy cheats on me and is unfortunate enough to get caught, it a done deal. He should "get the stepping". My rationale is when you cheat it means you have other wants or are unsatisfied. So move on and cut the I love you crap!
haha Barbara...I miss you...Good to see you here x
ReplyDeleteYou're notably African by your given name(s).Definitely shocked to read your views on cheating,it's strange you think this way.Wonder how you would feel to find your babe is caught with another guy though she eventually comes back to you.
ReplyDeleteWe all make mistakes and it's purely human to fall,but to have the mindset that cheating is to be condoned sounds strange.Remember to guard your mind and thoughts so you don't have the terrible befalling you................
Oh dear! I was in no way condoning cheating in relationships. I am only saying we should not be quick to jump to the conclusion that a partner was cheating without linking it to the underlying basis of the relationship. Thus if a partner loves another person just as they love you and your relationship is based on love, then it should be convenient to call that cheating. Similarly if it is based on sex and your partner has sexual relations with another it should be cheating. Using it interchangeably without linking it to a basis eliminates forgiveness in a relationship which in my opinion is equally important as the other tenets.
ReplyDeleteThat said if my babe was caught with another guy and eventually came back, I would be shattered to think I loved her as much.
Many thanks for your comment. Very appreciated.